I had an irrational fear when Mum died that all of her love, all of my memories of what good she had done for me would go with her, and I would feel very differently about my past due to it having been deleted. That I would be changed inside and my past would be made different retrospectively.

I imagined a sucking of my mum’s history out of me, to leave me with holes throughout my life that I remembered should contain something, but I wouldn’t be able to remember what had gone in those holes, and wouldn’t know how to feel about them! I feared that the love given, would be ripped away and it would feel like it had never been there, and that this life I have had been lived thus far without any motherly love.

Thankfully I have found that the love that she gave still remains in my head and in my heart and there are no holes opening with her passing. Instead I am still filled with her love and I am still grateful for all that she gave to me. It’s such an odd thing to think that love could be lost, but there it is and it was a very real concern for me.

Thinking about it tangibly, perhaps love given to another remains as a pattern in the universe that cannot be destroyed. Maybe giving love is something like a natural crypto currency transaction with that love being held in a fleshy brain wallet until it is spent, and as long as it is not given away it will remain secured by natures algorithms regardless of what happens to the person afterwards.

I can imagine a universe that is designed transactionally in this way, with love being a commodity that is indestructible and it can be given and will persist even the death of the provider.

One thing I’ve learnt through this process, is that facing death head-on and accepting it will happen to your loved one is necessary, then talking to them about it and thanking them for all they did for you is a must. Telling them that they leave a legacy of love and that they will not be forgotten is infinitely better than to pretend that it is not happening. Being delusional about the process of death and not facing it, only to pretend that it isn’t happening, will leave one without closure, such that when a death occurs one will be devastated, like someone suddenly broken in two and split. I know this is not always possible depending on the circumstances, but I’m glad it was for me.

In any case, and in either scenario I felt I did not have a choice. I do not want to pretend that I did what I did off my own back, instead I was sent signs and had help from “somewhere” and this motivated me in the right direction. Plus I had been encouraging mum for years to accept things for what they are and to surrender to them herself, and she uttered those words, maybe not as her last, but in the end. So I absolutely had to do the same thing with her passing, otherwise that good advice which I gave to her, would be meaningless for ever more.

I had to face her death, accept it, surrender to it, and I believe that is why I have faired better as a result than my relatives, and rather than now grieving my loss, and all the things I should have said and done. I am simply grateful for mum’s life.

I am thankful for every moment she was alive, and for all that she did for me in life. I did not fear her death, and we moved past it together for her sake and while she was still with us.

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