Mum’s wake was yesterday, and that is now the very end of this sad saga. I have had my beliefs rocked by the lack of spiritual activity between Mum and me following her death. I have been deeply effected by the fact that she has not manifested in the spirit world and there is no communication save for one time when I wasn’t sure it was her anyway.
This leaves me with a deep concern that all that I have learnt and experienced was lies and delusion, and in fact we are nothing as humans but animated mud. My fear is that I have been so wrong that I have wasted my time believing in things that are just not true, and here is where the test of faith now arrives.
Mum’s death has shown me that a person full of spirit can fade away to nothing and leave next to no spiritual trace. With this being someone as close to me as my mother, then the chances of me doing the same must be very high and the evidence I now have before me is that there is no soul which can carry on, as based on our relationship Mum would surely want to still be in my life. However I cannot deny that there were a couple of spiritual blips in terms of dreams, Kundalini surges, informational signs, and these must indicate something, no matter how small, right?
What I face is a test of faith. Not from the Christian perspective, but from my own weird philosophical lookout; cobbled together from many other philosophies and religions, which I call Polysolipsism. So can all that I have witnessed and all I have written about endure the abyss that has been left for me to stare into? Can I go to my own death with an understanding that is correct in any sense?
Time will ultimately tell, and I guess I’m back at the start of my journey asking if I will become enlightened or fall into depravity. I don’t know which way it will go but like anyone else in this position I must find that faith in myself, not so much to carry on living, but to face my death with hope, understanding, and without leaving a legacy of lies about this human condition we all have.
I want there to be more beyond the veil, it feels like it must be so, yet I also do not want to give false hope to my children. I must find that faith again in what I have learnt and experienced.