I’m beginning to understand how people can be bothered by dead loved ones. Now don’t get me wrong, my experience is not negative, but it is pervasive, and I can easily imagine how others with guilt would feel having this spectre invading their lives and likely upsetting them to the point that they cannot take it.

For me it is just a sadness at the ending of my Mum, but the thoughts and the memories, and the images pop into my mind without knocking first. It is like I am being genuinely haunted, and this spirit is hanging around with no signs of leaving. I have tried to move on, to leave the past in the past, but it is like I cannot. Maybe I have unfinished business, or she does! However I do not know what it is, and it’s not like I have a vision of her appearing to tell me what she wants. I suppose it could be a warning of something to come in a Scrooge like affair with my future in doubt, although again I have no specifics to go off of at the moment.

I can see how someone perhaps could have such a thing occur if they had shame and regret or fear for either doing, or not doing something while their loved one was alive. Or if they were of a fantastical personality type I can understand how one might visually see echoes of a person in the world; maybe a face in a crowd, or a whisper in a quiet room. However this is not me, i don’t have shame or guilt or fear, and I have no reason to feel those things about Mum.

I actually would relish a proper haunting, like one might see in the movies, “speak to me” I would call and a free roaming full torso class 5 apparition might appear to tell me something! God knows i’ve seen enough Horror movies to be able to deal with it, but I’m not getting aything like that. Rather I’m just being interrrupted in the day with memories of Mum in hospital or from times at home when her illness started and I don’t know what to do about it.

Will this fade, if so how long will it take? These thoughts are eclisping nicer ones from my childhood, youth, or of my wedding and the birth of my children. I’d rather be thinking of something other than her last days reliving those memories.

Not really a complaint then, just a preference as I didn’t expect this and a wondering as to it’s end. I guess it may be this way now until i die myself!

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