Mum’s death has left me largely spiritual-less, I cannot get over how her decline and demise was much like a dog’s and it was without any spiritual side whatsoever. I wonder if people lie a lot about the death process and make fantastical stuff up for the sake of others and for the sake of our species.

Mum had no spiritual conversion at the end, no grand visions, no seeing dead relatives at the foot of her bed, no wow! moment, or anything at all really to suggest that there is a spirit, soul. or anything more than a hum drum human material existence. This is why I now compare her death to that of a dog.

It was only physical, without any conscious release, and of course this has me questioning my own beliefs now. If my mother had no soul and no spiritual aspect to her departing, then what of me? Will I also just fade away as she did without any magical spark?

I feel pretty black pilled then, with respect to this human form in which I find myself. While for now I can experience Kundalini and have spiritual moments, is it all just fantasy? Is it all just delusion and illusion that I make for myself? Or is it still a test?

There was some irony in Mum’s passing with respect to the advice I used to give her and this position I now find myself in. “Surrender to it and accept it for what it is” I used to tell her, and I must now do this myself in what remains of my life. She repeated the phrase “it is what it is” a few times before her end, which I took to be surrender achieved on her part, and it made me feel something had been settled at least.

Do I now have to surrender to the void as well, that black hole where there is no return, no spirit, no consciousness, just endless emptiness? Some part of me calls out that this is the truth, and yet there is another part that denies this. It says in opposition that there is more, and I need to simply reframe my experience and to maintain my faith.

If I look to the age of the universe and to the chances of me being around at all , now of all times. The odds are infinitesimally small of it occurring, but it has happened. Perhaps it can happen again in the future, beyond the conception of time that I have as a human, beyond recorded history and projected future, perhaps like Gandalf the White I can return in a slightly different form millennia later, and Mum can too.

I will love you forever Mum.

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