Possibly the single most important thing to learn in life, is the difference between two classes of humans that make up our species. This distinction is more critical than honest vs dishonest, right vs wrong, left vs right, or man vs woman, it is quite simply the manifestation of light versus dark. It is summarised nicely in the myth of vampires and victims and it is basically the difference between Narcissists and empaths.

A Narcissist in popular culture are simply vain people what want to look nice and perhaps exhibit diva-like behaviour sometimes. But the truth of the matter is so much worse, and far darker than anything you may have learnt about.

Empaths on the other hand are caring and kind people, they want to help others and perhaps save someone from themselves, and because of this they are generally abused by Narcissists.

What I’m about to tell you comes from personal experience and from trying to figure out what on Earth is wrong with some people. This knowledge is not something that is often talked about, it’s not something that is taught in our culture and quite honestly it is occult. Even after suffering for years people can generally still not understand what has happening to them, this is how insidious Narcissism is among Homo sapien sapiens.

Narcissism affects both sexes and while it may manifest in different ways, there’s a lot of commonality in terms of behaviour and and mindset between the two groups. I would suggest that detection can be carried out in the same way for both men and women, but sadly it takes time to determine if someone is a Narcissist, as they are very good at hiding and they can wait a long time before revealing themselves.

One should also be aware that like a vampire’s bite, the Narcissist can convert empaths to their way of behaving, and this is particularly likely where there is a parental Narcissist who raises a child. In fact Narcissists may prey on children of Narcissists due to the “training they have received” as a child. That person is already accustomed to being abused. Now once an empath is converted it is difficult for them to return to the prior state, think Vampire lore again, and this is also why it is important to learn how to identify, avoid, and deal with Narcissists in your life. So let’s do that:

Identification

The first step is difficult, and it takes time, and is sadly something that cannot be rushed. We all have limited time on this planet, and this is something that the Narcissists use in their favour. You see Narcissists are charming and they mimic the behaviour of others, such that they can worm their way into someone’s life. They will pretend that they like the things you like, and mirror your behaviour to reel you in and this can go on for many years. They will only reveal themselves later in a relationship, perhaps when they get bored.

There are however some red flags to look for that can help early identification.

If someone is being way to into you for example and immediately putting you on an unwarranted pedestal, this is a sign of what’s called love-bombing, and it is a technique used by Narcissists to suck you in. It is all a lie and it will change over time and become something quite opposite, unfortunately.

Like a vampire wants to take you away to their castle to feed on you exclusively, the Narcissist will want to isolate you for themselves, and to do this you may notice them being less than friendly towards your friends or family. This need in them to have you alone is seen early in a relationship and you can recognise it from comments they say like “I don’t think your friend is good for you” or ” I’m not sure I really like so and so” These will build into a convincing argument in time that you should stop socialising with your people. Isolation is a key goal of Narcissists, so if you are not conformable being on your own, then watch for this. Unfortunately being independent can mask this issue, so be careful.

Another sign is found early in the relationship if you are distracted by something. You may find it is a work item, or maybe something related to family. But you will see the Narcissist get stroppy, and you may wish to console them and make them feel better, and you may end up apologising for things that you shouldn’t have to, and you will feel that something is off. Well listen to your inner feelings here because this is your first encounter with the need Narcissists have for attention, and how they treat you when you don’t give them attention. You see attention for them is like food, and if they believe they are not able to get attention from you, due to your distraction, they will seek negative attention instead. Now whether the “food” for them is positive or negative, it doesn’t seem to matter what is important is that they are the focus of attention. You can’t ignore them and sadly this will only get worse over time, and the older a Narcissist is far worse than a younger one.

Another good indicator of someone’s intentions is money, if your partner is tight with their own money and wants you to be generous with yours, then while you may wish to woo them by spending on them watch for reciprocation. If there is none, or what’s worse the suck increases with your generosity and expectation is placed on you monetarily because of what you did last time, this it’s a definite red flag. A partial justification for this is because they are likely to be in debt themselves, but even if they are not a Narcissist will suck all your money from your account way before spending their own. They are typically very bad at managing their own money, you see, and it is a warning sign of things to come. You should wonder now whether you should pursue this relationship any further.

Something Narcissists excel at is a grandiose feeling of entitlement. Narcissists think that they are the main character, the centre of the universe. They typically believe that everything is put on this planet for them, and you are too. So they act like Kings and Queens to themselves and mostly get those around them to bow and do their bidding. They expect to be treated with reverence even while they treat you badly. Should you ever cross them and challenge this entitlement, expect to get an extreme response. On that subject, a Narcissist will have you apologising for their misdeeds if you are not careful, such is the need in an empath to want others to be well, and for you to be thought well of yourself. You give away your apologies freely but be careful as too much of the free food will end up costing you dearly. It is a much better approach to just stay quiet sometimes when an apology is not strictly necessary. You have to conserve your energy for other rounds in the ring, with this particular Narcissist.

Should you get into an argument with a Narcissist, projection is their goto position and should you fall out with them, even just a little, you will see that a Narcissist will go to an extreme length to shut down an argument and make you feel bad. They will wail and cry, they will scream and swear, they will stomp off and hide, and make out like you’ve done the worst thing in the world to them, by having simply disagreed with their point of view. They want worship and subjugation and when they think they are not getting it they raise hell. It is during this time a Narcissist will use things that they have literally done to you, against you. They will accuse you of doing the same thing they are doing and they may even accuse you of gaslighting them. They may scream at you, and again this again is a play on your empathy and your kindness. They know the things that you find abhorrent and know that if you are accused of those things you will change your position. Thinking that you may have accidentally broken one of your own rules, and this will be shocking to you and because of this you will likely back down. Such is the joys of dealing with Narcissists.

An obvious tell when it comes to narcissism is how they sleep. Whatever has happened to them in the day and whatever shit they’ve screamed at you, they will sleep soundly. Watch for this as it is a sign of how little their words match their inner feelings. An upset person could stay up all night worrying about what they did during the day, but not a Narcissist. They will sleep like a log as if nothing ever happened, because nothing did happen. They put you in a state of worry and anxiety and you likely won’t sleep, but they have no concerns at all and will snore away all night long. In doing this they betray who they really are because no honest person could behave like this, no one could have the dramatic outbursts that Narcissists have in the daytime, and the accusatory nature of what they say, and then go to bed and sleep all the way through. It just isn’t possible, so it demonstrates that what they are doing is made up.

If you find your partner is pushing to find the edge of what you will put up with, that could be another sign of Narcissism, they will not only rely on your kindness but they will not know when to stop. They will quickly find that you give everything to them without getting anything in return, and they love this. Once they know this they will lean on you until you break and then they’ll blame you for breaking. So be very aware of giving to much, you must set boundaries for yourself and not cross them for your own well being. Narcissists, they don’t have any boundaries and will bleed you dry unless you set strong boundaries.

Another red flag to watch for is the idea of someone constantly bring up things from your past and using them to attack you in the present. It may be things you did, or how you felt about someone, but in either case it will be used against you with the intent of tearing down any position or argument you have. Watch if your partner does this, as it is another sign of Narcissism, and an indicator that they do not care one iota for your feelings. It’s all about them

Avoidance

The best approach to dealing with Narcissists really is distance, and to go no communication. If they can’t deal with you and will move on. They will try to get you back sure, and it is a technique called hoovering and it too must be avoided. Hoovering will land you back in the same mess you were in before, despite any assurances and promises of change, so really the only way to deal with a Narcissist is to go dark, to stop seeing them and stop speaking with them.

Now there is a danger with some Narcissists that they will get violent in this situation and this is something that must be considered before you attempt a non-contact approach. Narcissists can go to extreme lengths and will show no remorse in hurting you, and this may be life changing for you, so make sure you have a good network of friends. Keep communicating with them, and make plans to stay with them if things get bad.

There are times when avoidance is not possible, such as when you have a Narcissist parent or you have a child with a Narcissist. In which case the next advice may be helpful.

Coping

Firstly you should learn all you can about Narcissism as a condition and how it manifests in people around you, and you need to do this for your own protection. If you don’t you could end up confused and thinking that you are to blame for some crazy things that are not your fault at all.

Something a Narcissist is likely to do is turn on you and accuse you of being a Narcissist after they’ve done something bad, expect it because it is their goto move to use projection. It’s their number one tool of control. They may well have already put this idea in your friends where you are the bad person in the relationship, and they are the good one. This is a Narcissist’s Coterie. The Coterie is a group of close friends for the Narcissist, some of which you may share. They act as a protective circle for the Narcissist, and they will defend the Narcissist against you. Think of them as brides of Dracula, despite their sex being one or another, but this is a good model for how they approach you and how they deal with situations.

When dealing with an individual Narcissist, if you do anything as a result of their prodding and needling they will instantly tell everyone, play the victim, blame you and use this as evidence of what they have said already about you. This appears to make their prior false claims appear true in the eyes of those around you. If this does happen you must not be flustered. What you need to do is to confront your Narcissist and calmly explain that you are not a Narcissist and would never be one, let them know that you understand what Narcissism is and there is no evidence that would show that you are the Narcissist.

When trying to deal with a Narcissist you need to be mentally tough, if you cannot tick this box, then you have to take the opposite option and go non-contact. If you are mentally tough, do you think you can stick out a long term relationship though? Do you have a way of looking past their games and outbursts and thinking yes, this is still worth it? Maybe you have a religion, maybe you have a philosophy, maybe your love for them and a desire to fix them is enough, maybe you’re just a curious to see will happen in the long term. But in any case you need a source of strength to draw from, otherwise you will become a broken used up person yourself.

So with all those things in mind you are still going to have to endure many crazy situations and put yourself through a subservient position to simply manage life with your Narcissist. If I can offer one piece of advice it would be to distance yourself mentally from everything that goes on. Treat the events that transpire between you and the narc as dreamlike and unreal. Use something like a technique to minimise all that happens in your mind, whether that is visualisation or some other skill that allows you to move forward in the face of what’s going to be a huge resistance. Knowing what is real and what is a fake is going to be key. You will also need to forgive yourself frequently, as you are not perfect and you’re gonna screw up, You’re going to provide your Narcissist with fresh food accidently, and you can’t beat yourself up about this. They will of course add this to their repertoire of transgressions, and use it against you, but you have to remain strong and remember everything they say is fake. If it helps look upon them as a cartoon character, maybe a black and white one from the 1950’s or something. Just use some technique to take whatever they do and minimise it so that it seems less bright and less in your face.

Quite honestly one needs to be like Buddhist monk to survive living with a Narcissist. You must train yourself to not react to provocation, to not get offended and respond in a negative way, and you must be able to speak calmly under pressure and to say things that convince your Narcissist the idea they have of you is wrong, and the horrible attack that they did to you hasn’t bothered you, no feathers ruffled here.

You mustn’t under any circumstance show your anger because this will make things far worse and perhaps entice acts of revenge. Also it effects you personally and you might start treading down the dark path yourself. Many Narcissists are recruiting like vampires and they want a clutch of associates that go after others, so it may be their goal to turn you and make you like they are. Be very careful because you don’t want to be drawn in and become a Narcissist yourself.

Now one of the keys to survival here is forgiveness, so make sure you really understand how forgiveness works. You will need to forgive your Narcissist, believe it or not, to be able to withstand them, and if you can’t do that then you again will start treading on the dark path. It helps to remember that they are incredibly scared and weak individuals, in reality they are not what they appear to be. Now pity is perhaps a good mode to be in before you forgive them. I mean how could one hate a mosquito that bites and sucks your blood, it is just doing what it is born to do and it does not regard you as a human being, you are simply food to it, and so it is with Narcissists. So why anthropomorphesize such a creature, why give them more power in your mind than they deserve?

When a Narcissist blames you for something, pay attention to their outbursts, it’s important to know and remember what it is they’re saying. Over time they will likely build on their repertoire of things they blame you for and add new more shocking things in partially to get a reaction from you and you should pay attention to these things as they are clues.
It’s highly unlikely that these things you are accused of, you actually are responsible for and they are just things the Narcissist has seen on TV, or heard others use to great effect. Some of these things they may have copied from you yourself, and when you dealt a blow to them during an argument they decide that that was a good thing to remember. You see they are chameleons and they have to remember so many things that they forget who it is they are copying at any one time. You however will recognise these things that you previously accused them of, where as they will not.

Another thing you should do is record the things that they do and say as evidence. Do it either by video, audio, written word or whatever. This will allow you to remember what has previously happened and has previously been said and when. And this will help prevent you from going mad and it will serve as a record of evidence later should you need it. You must not let your Narcissist get the upper hand as they will try to convince you that it is you who doesn’t remember things properly, not them. But if you have the evidence to hand, you can show them.

Lastly, and perhaps the most important part, is remember how to make yourself happy in spite of all that goes on. A Narcissist is happiest when they have you in the low and miserable state. In this state they get to play the hero, and they get to attempt to lift you out of a a depression which they put you in for their own pleasure. If you are happy despite all that they’ve done to you there’s little room for them to manipulate you and they are on the back foot. A person that knows how to look after themselves and manage their emotions on their own and in the face of blind hatred towards them is not someone that the Narcissist can compete with. It is because of this that they will shrink away from you and become less troublesome over time, and even manageable. If you can pull this off, that would be awesome. If you could treat them like a pet ultimately, rewarding their good behaviour and punishing their bad. You may actually get the upper hand yourself.

As a final word, don’t ever let the Narcissist see you bleed. If you can manage this then you will stand a chance of living along side them for a very long time. Good luck!