My Kundalini Awakening
I wake with a start and check my watch, it is 00:00 and I suddenly feel
frightened. I cannot place the cause, and Dagney and Carrie are sleeping
soundly, but I sense something is up, something is disturbing me. I
shuffle in bed and try to make myself comfortable, but without success.
I close my eyes again and try to sleep but for some reason I still feel
fear deep in my core.
I am suddenly hit with a vision of my genitals being placed in my mouth and photos being taken, it is graphic and I sit upright in my camp bed wondering what just happened. After I calm myself down I lie once again and it isn’t long before I feel like I am being toyed with by an evil that cannot be seen. It is like I am under some sort of non-physical attack, a mental attack, or maybe a psychic attack, and I begin to wonder if I am awake at all. Could it be that I am asleep but am having a lucid experience in a dream?
It is dark in the room and thus I do not have all of the usual cues to check that I am awake and in the same safe daytime house which I went to bed in, but this feels like a waking experience, yet I am inexplicably afraid of the room. Somehow there is a presence around me and it is not a well meaning entity. There is nothing for me to see in the dark except a little light coming through a crack in the curtain, and this gives me a few dim outlines in the room to check visually, but I cannot see anything, it is just a feeling that I have.
So I lay there expecting someone to abduct me from
the room, and whisk me off to a dark ceremony. I concentrate on the
door, listening for any noise outside it and watching for any movement
of the door handle. I lie like this for half an hour or so before attempting
to close my eyes again, and when I do I am presented with another vision.
This time I have a bag over my head and am being lead by restrained
arms, I can see the floor and my feet as I walk. I am lead presumably
to the front of a room and I sense that people are gathered around me
as I am tied to some apparatus which holds my arms out. My legs are
then restrained and I begin to hear chanting, before the bag on my head
is removed. Before me stands a masked and hooded man with a large knife
in hand, he cocks his head at me as the chanting becomes louder and
I am aware of many other masked and hooded people standing in a circle
around me. The man with the knife says something I don’t understand
and then he reaches down and cuts the belt of my trousers, before pulling
them and my pants down to my ankles. My genitals are cupped in a gloved
hand and I try to wriggle free of my restraints, but cannot. I feel
a sharp stab of pain in my groin and then the vision ends and I am back
I the bedroom and panting, and my heart is racing.
I try to control my breathing so that I do not wake my wife and daughter, and thankfully they are still sleeping. I realise that my t-shirt is damp with sweat and that I am shaking a little, I am also alert to the slightest sound and my eyes are scanning the room looking for something unseen. As I begin to calm once again I can’t help but think of those 70’s Dennis Wheatley novels and whether there was now some basis in reality to them. I have the feeling that I have opened myself to something that I do not understand, something that has caused me to become vulnerable to attack by evil, it honestly feels like I no longer have any shield to protect myself. I wasn’t aware that I had a shield before now, and it is noticeable only by its absence, and what an absence. I feel like I am falling through a void into who knows what, I am afraid like I have never known. Earlier today I felt fear, but that was somehow a human fear, it was contained in my body whereas this is bigger altogether and is like a fear in my very soul.
My daughter Julia starts crying downstairs in the middle floor of the house, I said that I would see to her in the night and despite my fear I am driven out of bed to check on her and see that she is okay. I creep past my wife and other daughter and down the narrow and steep staircase, before entering her bedroom. I find that she is not really awake and is twisting and turning in her sleep and crying out for some unknown reason. I shush her and hold her hand and she calms down and falls again into a restful sleep. Thinking back over recent nights this has been a pattern that has repeated for over a week, with her crying out for some unknown reason and thrashing about in the bed. It could just be a stage of her growing, but it could also be an indicator of something worse. Nightmares are a definite possibility and the most likely explanation, but because of what is happening to me I can’t help myself in thinking it is somehow connected. After 5 minutes I release my hold and thankfully she stays sleeping, on recent nights she has often started thrashing again and crying out, but for now things are back how they should be. I sit next to her for a little while longer and consider again my situation, I still feel the fear, although slightly abated due to dealing with my daughter’s needs. There is a double bed in the room which I could lie on, but what If I invite whatever it is into this room where my daughter is. I decide that the only course of action is to head back upstairs to my camp bed and to suffer whatever is coming next.
When I climb in under the duvet again, I lie for a while listening for any further disturbance from my daughter downstairs but thankfully there is none. I decide to close my eyes again and start to think through the day’s events, as I do I am presented with a vision of the masked and hooded men stood before me, and I feel that I know them all and each has featured in my life and is now featuring in my downfall. One of them runs at me a punches me, my body lurches on the camp bed with the impact. As soon as he has disappeared another runs at me and again lands a body blow, and one by one they all attack me. I lie in my camp bed and take the beating, and I am determined to keep my eyes closed and see this through. The attack seems to last hours, and I am extremely tired, but still I take it. When the time comes that my resolve is fading, I start to despair and the ferocity of the attacks increases with the recognition of this. I cannot take this for much longer and I call out loudly in my head, but under my breath in the bedroom.
‘Help me! Somebody please help me! God, Jesus, I don’t know if you are real but if you are please help me, I implore you for he sake of my children, please please help. I can’t take this, I’m going to crack, and then I don’t know what I’ll become.’
My body is shaking and I am seeing these people attacking me faster and more violently. I don’t know if I can hold out any more, but as I consider giving in something changes. I am getting a new feeling in my spine, it is like a rising electric current and my fear is turned up another notch. Is this it, is this the end I feel, am I done for. As the pressure builds in my spine I try to resist it, but cannot, the power of this current is to great and coupled with the attacks it is too much for me to take. I say a silent goodbye to my family and give in to the electric current. As I submit it suddenly races up my spine and into my head before radiating out across my back and shoulders, then round my rib cage and face, then down my legs and arms. Suddenly my shaking stops, and I know that I am done for, but strangely my body feels good about this sensation, and my mind seems to clear a little. I feel the blows from my attackers lessen in intensity and I begin to understand that this force is not coming on to kill me, but rather it is protecting me.
The first wave of it subsides and I feel a little better, the attacks on my body have not stopped but I feel I am able to withstand them a little. I again call on Jesus to help me, and again a wave of electrical current rises at the top of my spine before spreading out lovingly throughout my body. My attackers seem to sense that I have protection and they pull out long shining knifes, to rush at me with a they hack and stab at me. I try not to watch and choose to look only above their heads, and with my eyes raised up I again call on God to help me. With this call the waves of energy increase in intensity and frequency and my body seems to vibrate with their dispersal through it, and the attackers knives seem only to graze me now rather then penetrate. The thought occurs to me to call upon all of the good people I know of to help me, so I call out to the reverend Diana, to Simon at the church. I call out to people I admire; Alex Jones, Alan Watts, Carlos Castaneda,
Soon my body is pulsing with energy, over and over. It becomes so overwhelming that I have to breathe out heavily to try to stop it overcoming me. With this onset of protection I now hardly seem to notice the attacks which continue on my person from the spiritual realm. I begin to thank all of those people I called upon to help me, and with this the energy ramps up to a new high and my whole body is buzzing with restorative energy that feels amazing and joyful.
Just then I become aware that my youngest daughter wakes in the bed next to me and my wife stirs. I do my best to appear to be asleep as Dagney goes downstairs to fetch some milk for Carrie and she bleats and starts to cry. I would love to go to her, but I cannot admit to anyone that I am awake and under attack, and I feel that right now it is much better if I let Dagney deal with the situation as if I was asleep. So I lie on my camp bed and try to breath deeply and slowly and try not to move despite my body experiencing twitches and flinches as my attackers do their evil business. Dagney returns and feeds Carrie and soon they are thankfully both asleep again.
My experience changes now to one where I am resisting my attackers enough to begin to gain control over the situation, their knives no longer have any effect on me, and nor do their body blows. Slowly I begin to exert my will upon the experience and while still puffed up on the energy coursing through my strengthening body, my thoughts are no longer tortured, and I feel an inner peace that conquers my fear. Now I stand resolutely in the face of these attackers and call out each one in turn by name, John, James, Simon, Mark, Bob. They step forward and remove their mask so that I can see their face. I mentally chastise each person in turn and instruct them to change their ways in their daily lives. Finally I address my father who step forward and removes his mask.
‘How could you dad?’ I scream silently at him, ‘I’m your first born son, why would you do this to me? I know you’ve never been proud of me or my achievements, and I’m sorry for the mistakes I have made. I hope you know my rebellion against authority comes from your treatment of me as boy. I am so angry with him, angrier than with any of my other friends and colleagues who stand before me.
'But, I forgive you because I am not like you, so I forgive your pathetic attempt to make me like yourself.’
A tear rolls down my cheek as I take stock of all
that is before me.
‘I forgive you all. Now, change your ways and do not try anything like
this again. I win, it’s over. Leave me alone’.
I am overcome with exertion and emotion and I lie crying quietly so as not to wake anyone, I am stunned by the support I have received from somewhere out there and now wonder as to the nature of reality itself. I feel like I have saved my soul but how can this all be happening? It is like some sort of religious tale from the bible; a real battle between good and evil with the battle lines drawn and the armies lined up against each other. Why is it happening to me? What have I done to deserve this attention? I really have opened a doorway to something which has allowed legions to descend upon me and I am totally unprepared for it. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life. I have had no formal training in how to deal with it and do not know what I have done or am currently doing, all I have to go on is my gut instincts.
I can’t help but think that it has been my dogged goodness and the stand I have taken against wrongdoing in this world that has triggered this experience, most notably at work where I am surrounded by cheats and apologists for cheaters. I’m no one special, yet perhaps because of my actions in the world, with my websites, and the internet chat show I started I seem to have attracted the attention of some primal forces of life itself, and they choose to visit me at this of all times of year, and I feel a bit like old Ebenezer Scrooge. Of course if this is the case then that means that this is not yet over.
I open my eyes and reach for my watch, it is 6am and I have made it through the night. It is still dark out but I feel that with the coming dawn I will have made it through tonight’s trial. I lie and await the dawn, and feel that once I can see some rays of light I will truly be safe, but until then I must be on guard. I reflect on the time I have spent awake in the night and upon how it all seems so unreal, but I cannot deny my own experience of it. I have always trusted my experience over the accounts of others so now I have to suck it up and admit that what just happened was real and that it is inexplicable.
However I am flushed with the feeling that I am living in a world of unreality, and that like in the movie The Matrix, this experience of mine is just a simulation which is hiding the reality of life. I have glimpsed something of that reality and my mind is drawn to an idea I read about in a Stephen Hawking, that of Holography and of the holographic universe where we are all projections from a different dimension. This of course has strong religious overtones too and given my dramatic conversion to Christianity yesterday I cannot discount the concept of this earthly kingdom being just a testing ground for an afterlife. Well if that is the case, hopefully I have just shown my true colours to God himself and now he knows on who’s team I fight.
This occurred again on two subsequent nights.
27/12/13 - 28/12/13
