Jane 18/05/21:

So when I compare myself pre awakening to now I am basically a completely different person. It was what I could only describe as a total transformation of a human being. Is that how it felt for you?  

Laz 18/05/21:

In one respect, yes. That of my internal being. I now view the world and it’s inhabitants differently, and I have gained a kind of confidence that I never had before. The people of the world appear now to be a different species to me, I cannot understand their sheep-like nature, doing only what they are told and otherwise being happy to simply chew the cud in front of them. Internally I have had this awakening to the fabric of consciousness and how it ultimately leads the material world. I have felt the love of the universe and know that a lot of the religious rules mean nothing, and may just exist to control people. I know that death is not the end, and that consciousness lives on so I am somewhat fearless now, although it has not genuinely been tested yet. I also know the power of surrender to “god” as a galactic rule.

Jane 18/05/21:

I know it may be different for those who were born to be awake but then get closed down. I wander if it may not be such a profound and defining experience for them? I guess it all depends on how much of a dramatic change is required?

Laz 18/05/21:

I did have a “return to source” feeling about all of what happened to me, it all felt familiar somehow, like I’d experienced it before but forgotten. I think we are all born awake, which is why the world works so hard to close us down and keep us there. We really perpetuate slavery in our species like the fabled crabs in a bucket metaphor. I still wonder if there are perfect humans out there that escaped the shutdown and “sin” and just are pure?

Jane 19/05/21:

The closest to this I have seen is people like the monks that are taken into monasteries at a very young age, pre pubescent that can maybe escape it all and retain their innocence by not integrating and that is one path. But it is a very limited one. I would say that to have a matured innocence means by it’s very nature a return to innocence but having experienced all of life! Including the need for salvation for yourself. Knowledge becomes wisdom by experience. 

I agree with the fact we are all born awake and unprogrammed, we remain connected to Source as kids until the ego comes in. Like you say we then go “into the desert of the real”. The difference being that some people lose that connection entirely (aka yours truly 🙂 ) whereas others may get shut down somewhat but they never lose the connection entirely. They don’t have the density to sink so low in energies.  

Jane 18/05/21:

I know that I was a lot denser in my energies than you were so in my case it would have taken a lot for kundalini to raise my vibrations. Fortunately I gave up to the whole process early on……..Take me, ta ta take me. Lol. Considering your whole path now to date, can you clarify …. Can you even identify a starting point as to how long has this been going on for you? Age/years. 

Laz 18/05/21:

I mean the experience you speak of is the journey of life. I was always innocent/gullible so as a child was easily led astray, and I’ve had to toughen up over the years to stand alone against the onslaught of society. Clearly Christmas 2013 was the defining awakening/maturing to the source consciousness for me.

Jane 18/05/21:

I know you said the migraine experiences you had when younger was a prerequisite but were there other triggers? 

Laz 18/05/21:

I’ve always been an observer of human nature, and just watching the behaviour of others was a direct comparison at all times between what they do/say and myself. I’ve always had that comparison program running in me, and it always set me apart. I found myself pulled into strange TV shows too, from my childhood I remember “Mr Benn” & “The little vampire” early on, and later “The Prisoner” and “Tales of the unexpected” causing me great interest. As a side note now, I finally understand the attraction people have with vampires, it’s all about narcissism where the vampire and the virgin are metaphors for narcissists and empaths. Being a Harker must have had something to do with this interest too 😊

Jane 19/05/21:

I don’t get this other than it being your family name.     

Laz 19/05/21:

Jonathan Harker is the protagonist in the story of Dracula, he represents the sheep dog in the wolves vs sheep idea, he is the super empath.   

Jane 18/05/21:

Could you separate it into different stages/phases at all? 

Laz 18/05/21:

It all feels like a path I’ve been led down, rather than steps I have climbed. The phases feel more like education in this world, rather than the experiences along the road of life, so what I’m trying to say is that it has been a journey without any stopovers at any junctions.

Jane 18/05/21:

Do you remember a defining point of realisation/waking or was it more diffused into the experience?  

Laz 18/05/21:

Do you remember a defining point of realisation/waking or was it more diffused into the experience?  
So everything came rushing in at Christmas 2013, that was the spiritual baptism if you like

Jane 18/05/21:

I think that looking back for me is was that very moment when I looked up and said ….“beam me up Scotty” 🙂  What were your life circumstances at that point in time of your awakening?

Laz 18/05/21:

I mean you read about them in my accounts, but in summary I was under a lot of pressure at work to not do my job properly, I had two very young children, I had started a radio show where I was trying to awaken others to truths I knew at that point, and I was standing fast on my ethics and morals but the combination of the above caused a cataclysm!

Jane 19/05/21:

I can absolutely relate to this. I could no longer deal with my personal or professional life! I hit a brick wall and crashed! It was either have a breakdown or get out now, at the time. I had no real explanation to go off sick but when it started to manifest physically in severe gastric and other problems I had the opportunity to do just that. Then I just took to my bed with absolutely no energy left in me, physically or mentally. I gave up to the world.  

Jane 18/05/21:

At what point in relation to your own journey did you have your “psycho/spiritual” experience?

Laz 18/05/21:

I often look to palmistry and the life lines on my left hand, I can’t escape the feeling that at age 38 I had to make a choice and dive down one of two futures, I did what I did and hopefully that is the longer life line!

Jane 18/05/21:

It was 3 years in for me. So, how did that scenario pan out for you, would you say that your personality changed much? 

Laz 18/05/21:

I stopped worrying about trivial stuff, I was able to let go of jealousy and guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I became more forgiving of people’s failings, although still struggle to accept stupidity of others but do not consider them innately stupid, but just lazy thinkers.

Jane 18/05/21:

Did other people around you notice or comment on changes?

Laz 18/05/21:

Immediate family have not said anything, friends were ditched.

Jane 18/05/21:

How did they react to any changes they may have percieved in you? 

Laz 18/05/21:

I really don’t know, they’d have to state that I think to be fair.

Jane 18/05/21:

At what point did you start to feel alienated, as in no one understanding you any more? Or have you always felt like that? If so did it intensify?

Laz 18/05/21:

Always been that way, apart from with my mother, who I am most like. She’s going through her own awakening at the moment, but it is not going at all well and she is filled with so much repressed fear.

Jane 19/05/21:

I think many people have this. Both from their own individual as well as collective minds. It is a sad state of affairs.  Has she thought about some kind of therapy? Or self help course? There are a lot of good ones on line now.  

Laz 19/05/21:

She’s been all around the NHS, private treatments and counsellors too for years, and nothing works, because the issue is inward and she won’t look, as she’s too scared.

Jane 18/05/21:

I think the greatest change that others cannot comprehend is those that occur in the mind as in your now new truth/ beliefs/perceptions. Did you lose relationships as a direct result?  

Laz 18/05/21:

Yes I cut off old friendships that were doing me no good, including my best friend, and that hurt but I’d thankfully I’d had training as a kid in moving on due to moving around with the army postings.

Jane 18/05/21:

It really is a strange place to be when your paradigms have shifted in your mind and therefore world/reality but not in other people’s. I just accept that now because I know that for both sides it’s like living in totally different worlds/reality’s in consciousness and ones that are determined by the frequencies we resonate at. Not easy being an alien on the planet. Fully awake. Speaking a different language. What I find so fascinating is that with each unplug from the matrix we make, as our very mind functioning changes it gets perceived from that matrix minded as some kind of “mental health problem”……?Lol.

Laz 18/05/21:

I distinctly remember my mind blowing up and after that it was like I had been purged of wrong neural connections. I still feel that this is how we all started, and the rot crept in as we grew in society. People are so conditioned and conformist to traditions that make no sense along with ideas and institutions that prevent our growth into the future. This is why I cannot accept this Great Reset. It is the bad people covering their asses by getting more authoritarian, to stop free thinking.

Jane 18/05/21:

So, have I got it right that like myself you had never even heard of kundalini and as such had no idea what was going on with you until researching after the fact of personally having the experience?

Laz 18/05/21:

My experience was that, yes. Although I find it hard to accept and keep trying to figure out the “science” of that. I can’t have had it pop into my brain without having heard it. How could I possibly know the word, let alone attribute it to my situation correctly. That’s mad! At best I must have connected the dots from other things and maybe, somehow I “constructed” the word myself from it’s “root meaning” out of others I knew, or maybe the word was buried in my DNA and it activated and revealed itself to my brain! I don’t know, I find it hard to believe it was put in there by some supernatural being.

Jane 19/05/21:

From my understanding and actual factual experience of this phenomena it is not from anything supernatural, it comes directly from the higher realms/self. Until full contact is made this is the only way it can “bomb drop” a word. Get your undivided attention. Once in direct contact it is not needed because then the higher self can communicate more directly and subtlety with us. We don’t notice it any more or see it as coming from “elsewhere”.  

Laz 19/05/21:

I personally find that impossible, but have to admit that it is a universal possibility

Jane 18/05/21:

That in itself blows your mind, doesn’t it? 

Laz 18/05/21:

If it was truly “put there” then yes my mind is shattered!

Jane 18/05/21:

With your psycho “episodes”, was there any separation of time between them or did they occur as an ongoing thing? 

Laz 18/05/21:

Oh yeah, it was a rollercoaster for about 3 years, and there were spiritual activations and periods of nothing and a return to “normal”. Always this nagging feeling too that events in the world were happening because I had begun this process. You may remember that I thought I was in a spiritual war that had to be fought every year, and for that period I had become the focus of the war. Now I’m mostly left alone which I’m happy with, it’s someone else’s turn at the moment 😊

Jane 19/05/21:

Yes the spiritual war within us all. Maybe this indicates that your “war” part is over?         

Laz 19/05/21:

Maybe I’ve already played my part and I’m in retirement 😀

Jane 18/05/21:

We both know that there is a big difference between a “psychotic episode” as in mental illness, and a “spiritual-psycho-drama” as in awakening process. The difference being the underlying “sanity” that you never doubt despite what you are experiencing, being told or persuaded to believe by others. 

I know the type of spiritual psychodramas we both encountered are the challenges on the internalised subjective mental realms. That it is the only way for such challenges/tests to be undertaken. We both have identified these as the part of the journey where we encounter the many collective archetypes. This is a character building exercise within our own holographic mind/psyche. Source’s testing ground. Would you say that you have fully processed all of the archetypes that you encountered or is it still an ongoing process?  

Laz 18/05/21:

I have fully processed all the archetypes I know about, but like some HP Lovecraft story, I’m sure there are many more existential terrors out there! So yes, it is an ongoing process, and I’m back in the dug out waiting for the coach to call my name for the next game and what comes next.

Jane 19/05/21:

Lol. “HP”, I thought you was referring to harry potter because I had never heard of this guy. I googled him, interesting that he was an atheist with the only goal to go into oblivion. 😀         

Jane 18/05/21:

Like you I have been obsessive with documenting my truthful authentic experiences.  But when I went through my “psychodrama” that was the one thing that was noticeably absent to me. I hadn’t documented it because I had lost that ability. You describe your experiences in such precise detail I wander how you managed to hold onto the information or did you take notes? Or did you document it as you went along? 

Laz 18/05/21:

I was writing as I went, it was a holy duty that was placed upon me, and I was compelled to do it even if I didn’t want to. I don’t know if it helped me personally to document the events, feelings, thoughts, but I hope it may help someone else. Two things though, I did stop writing at new years eve on 2013, and I don’t really remember what happened now, I have one recording I made at the time which maybe I’ll listen back to one day and fill in that blank. Also the third chapter of my account seems to be restricted, off limits, and not to be shared. I have all my notes and keep trying to write it up in full but it feels like I shouldn’t, like it is wrong to share it somehow. I don’t understand it, but I know I didn’t have the same drive to complete it like the prior two years, and hence I’m still writing it today.

Jane 19/05/21:

When I say that I have documented everything I mean I have nearly 20 years of my life in diaries piled up. In depth day to day, sometimes hour by hour details. I have not really written it into an account as you have. I too feel something stopping me that I don’t understand either? I have only ever attempted to explain any of it to my friend and yourself. A lot of it I have forgotten and without my diaries it would be impossible for me to recall as it seems I blanked a lot of it out after writing it down. The past and the future don’t often figure in my head at all. Some of my work is beyond even my comprehension so that can be a sticking point too. I have even periodically felt a strong urge to burn it all? I don’t know why?   

Jane 18/05/21:

How long were you on medication for? Were there breaks in that for seperate periods?

Laz 18/05/21:

So it was three periods following my Kundalini episodes, each growing in length, and the third was a bitch to get off of, like a real Everest climb in physical and mental effort. I almost failed and must have been addicted at that point. Were there breaks in that for separate periods? Yes, as above.

Did you experience any closing down of the higher realms whilst taking medication?  I did when i took antidepressants for a couple of months. It was the most bizarre feeling. There was no grounded in the matrix “me” so it literally did feel like i did not exsist anymore! 

Laz 18/05/21:

No, thankfully. Just the ability to sleep. The drugs were for something I didn’t have and had no effect on my mental state, so while that was good in one respect it meant that I had to resolve the situation myself without help!

jane 18/05/21:

When you described times of being detached and just watching things going on, was that disassociation? 

Laz 18/05/21:

I guess it must have been, but I can’t put a name to it other than “acting”! I remember feeling that I could stop this at any time, but for whatever reason I did not. It was weird, like I was playing a role in the real world, that in the spiritual one didn’t exist and I was actually fine, but I still had to play it, perhaps for those around me!

Jane 18/05/21:

Do you still experience that?  If so under what circumstances?  

Laz 18/05/21:

No, I’ve not in many years now. My soul is at rest, I feel like I know the truth about existence, and I’ve had all the discussions and made agreements with all that I need to. I am at peace.

Jane 18/05/21:

Can you tell when the people around you are being genuine and sincere in what they say or do? 

Laz 18/05/21:

I can spot a fake a mile away, but unlike like when I was younger, I do not react the way I used to. An example from the other day. We were driving as a family and I was on a dual carriageway. I was behind a car in the first lane, and I could see a faster car approaching from behind in my mirror.
‘Go Around!’ Ali blurted out impatiently, but kind of under her breath. It was like she was pissed off at me but hadn’t meant to say it out loud
‘Pardon? What did you just say?’ I responded
‘I said, can you go around that car if it’s safe’
‘No you didn’t’, I laughed, and the faster car came by
‘I did, that’s what I said, and you must have misheard’ she wasn’t going to admit it.
At this point, the old me would have started an argument with her and called her out for being stupid and impatient. But I just said ‘whatever’ and that was the end of it. She continued to profess her innocence and knew she was lying but there was no point in me pushing things just to prove I was right.
I don’t know why people do that however? Loss of face?

Jane 19/05/21:

Because some people don’t want to admit they are wrong even in the face of truth and yes a loss of face. I know there have been times for me like that, where a universal recording of conversations would be so handy. lol. My husband tries to push my buttons sometimes to get a reaction out of me, I can see it in the look on his face as he eagerly awaits a response, but I don’t bite. It’s funny as he walks off defeated. 😀 So,  I am like that…..whatever!  and rise above it. We find our own peace and freedom in God’s honest truth. What I also find interesting between our experiences is the fact that we both had that psychodrama/kundalini “mind blow” during the Christmas period. Do you think that is as a result of our shared Christian cultural psyche and environment? I would get that, But i had absolutely no idea about the Christian aspects of it all including the 40 day stuff or day of epiphany in Christian teachings. It synched up entirely by the universe into my experience.  Only fully recognised much later on. So it is a strange one?  

Laz 19/05/21:

So Christmas as I understand it was stamped over earlier pagan celebrations, so in itself represents something deeper and more historic. Like everything else in the bible it is a metaphor, so i wonder if there is something “thin” about that end of the year period when “spirits” can manifest!

Jane 18/05/21:

The difference between paths already trodden, known and documented and those that we forge for ourselves is that there is no go to instruction manual for advise or direction. It is a quantum leap into the unknown, but one that takes us to a place that is beyond human sanity 🙂

Laz 18/05/21:

I see it as growth, or evolution of the human species. You are right that these things are not documented, which is why we must. For the next generation to have the helping hand that we did not have 😊


Laz Divine